Near the apex of my big law firm attorney personality, I walked into a local music store and purchased a new case for my B flat trumpet.[1]I was traveling to Sweden for a relative’s funeral in Alvesta, and the original case from the 1980s wouldn’t do. I informed the shopkeeper that I needed a price reduction in order for the transaction to close. I know.
When I think about this, I’m reminded of the Monty Python skit about haggling. But a tiny music store in suburban America is not a place for haggling. The shopkeeper rolled his eyes and complied.
My smug attitude in obtaining “a deal” by sheer bluster only cheapened me. I had convinced myself that I deserved a deal because I was special, ignoring the fact that the shop keeper needed every single sale to keep the lights on in his little shop, which was barely hanging on.[2]This is the dark side of the growth of Amazon and other online retailers, which is responsible for the hollowing out of miles upon miles of commercial retail space in America.
Today I look back on my behavior with regret. I was a jerk to the shopkeeper. I had no reason to be anything but kind to him. I carried the swagger of a big law partner, which I learned through osmosis from my colleagues.
One of my supervisors on a deal we were negotiating instructed me to never use the word “please” because it would make me look weak. I know.
One look at the situation makes it clear. I had allowed my self esteem to go off the rails and morph into something grotesque.
It used to be that self-esteem was all the rage. Literally thousands of psychological studies showed the many benefits of it. Parents obsessed over ensuring their child had positive self-esteem, believing it was the answer to a lifetime of happiness. Participation trophies were doled out so children’s self-worth stayed intact. However, now psychologists know that self-esteem has a dark side. It’s associated with prejudice, discrimination, narcissism, self-righteous anger, and self-absorption.[3]https://laconciergepsychologist.com/blog/the-argument-against-self-esteem-and-for-self-compassion/.
Looking back I recognize these qualities in me and the aggressive corporate culture I embraced for years.
The main issue is having high self-esteem necessitates feeling special and above average. You develop a self-enhancement bias. You start believing you’re funnier, friendlier, or smarter than others. And, inherent in this process, is social comparison. In order for you to feel good and “above average”, you consequently have to judge someone else as worse than you. You can probably see how this may lead to those negative aspects of self-esteem I mentioned above (e.g., prejudice, narcissism).[4]Ibid.
I see this warped sense of self-esteem everywhere. America in 2026 is filled with people in positions of power trying desperately to mask their incompetence with false bravado.[5]As Carl Sandberg put it: “If the facts are against you, argue the law. If the law is against you, argue the facts. If the law and the facts are against you, pound the table and yell like … Continue reading
Exchanging self-esteem for self-compassion is a much better deal.
Self-compassion doesn’t demand perfection. It doesn’t require you to think you’re better than others. Self-compassion means you accept yourself for who you are: a human being. With it, you are a person with amazing talents and also deep flaws. You see yourself in your entirety. Self-compassion gives you a stable sense of self – no more swinging from extreme to extreme.
And if you look at the research, self-compassion truly seems like a viable alternative to self-esteem. It’s associated with all the positive aspects (e.g., decreased anxiety and depression, increases levels of happiness) without the dark downsides (e.g., narcissism, discrimination).[6]Ibid.
I will never forget when I began the process of exchanging self-esteem for self-compassion, gently, step by step. It was so much easier.
The best version of me is the one that exists in my most human state. I show kindness and acceptance to others, which costs nothing. Just as importantly, I am learning every day how to show more kindness and acceptance to myself.
References
| ↑1 | I was traveling to Sweden for a relative’s funeral in Alvesta, and the original case from the 1980s wouldn’t do. |
|---|---|
| ↑2 | This is the dark side of the growth of Amazon and other online retailers, which is responsible for the hollowing out of miles upon miles of commercial retail space in America. |
| ↑3 | https://laconciergepsychologist.com/blog/the-argument-against-self-esteem-and-for-self-compassion/ |
| ↑4, ↑6 | Ibid. |
| ↑5 | As Carl Sandberg put it: “If the facts are against you, argue the law. If the law is against you, argue the facts. If the law and the facts are against you, pound the table and yell like hell.” |