Real Life Matters

“Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field. I’ll meet you there. When the soul lies down in that grass, the world is too full to talk about.” – Rumi

My mom could deliver judgments from the bench at a rate that would put Judge Judy to shame.^[1]See https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Judge_Judy. It is obvious that I have unresolved “issues” with my mom, as she somehow keeps finding her way into these posts. So I continue to post these … Continue reading

No one within reach of Ingrid was spared. Her critiques were usually witty, brutal and accurate. You would think that the pastor’s car on the way home from church would be a place filled with engaging and profound discussions about heavenly matters. Instead, Ingrid went down the list of the faithful as we drove home, dolling out imaginary awards for crimes against humanity committed by members of our little flock.

Of course, she had plenty of good things to say about folks, too, as long as they didn’t cross her. We knew many delightful people and they were duly praised and complimented. My mom called this “giving people strokes.”^[2]But not that kind of stroke. According to research, “the ideal praise-to-criticism ratio is 5:1. Meaning, for every negative comment you make, you need to share five positive comments as well.”^[3]https://hbr.org/2013/03/the-ideal-praise-to-criticism

I was taught by my mom to view people in black and white terms, which is, of course, wrong. Everyone is shades of gray, even on our best days. My mom confronted our friend, Norma, during a discussion with a nurse about my mom’s medication (a favorite topic): “Norma, are you for me, or against me?” When Jennifer joined our family, and started attending church with us, she marveled at how brutal we could be, even though our comments were often masked by humor. Of course, our family’s criticisms sprang from a deep well of insecurity and shame.

Since my experience growing up is what comes naturally to me, if I am not mindful, I can easily return to the backseat of our old family sedan in 1982, taking pot shots at those around me with the best of them.

Today, when these temptations to judge grab hold, if I happen to be in a mindful state, I counter them with the lovingkindness prayer:

May you be well. May you be happy. May you be free from suffering.^[4]Here is a more elaborate version of the lovingkindndess prayer practiced daily by the Dalai Lama. Here is a sample of a lovingkindness meditation led by Tara Brach.

I can’t tell you where I learned to use these particular words, but they are easy to remember, which makes them handy.

First, I picture someone who is easy to love, like our nearly 14-year old chocolate lab, Freja. May you be well. May you be happy. May you be free from suffering.

Next, I picture someone with whom I have a neutral relationship – a person who I have no strong feelings about, either positive or negative. May you be well. May you be happy. May you be free from suffering.

Finally, I picture someone who is difficult for me – for example, someone with whom I have a complicated relationship, or someone who has hurt me. May you be well. May you be happy. May you be free from suffering.

The lovingkindness prayer helps me to settle my busy and anxious mind. A good time for me to say this prayer is when I have my morning or afternoon coffee, if I am able to savor the moment without simultaneously gazing into the screen of a laptop, iPhone, iPad or Kindle.^[5]There are so many devices now. What was life even like before we had these beautiful screens available 24/7? What did introverts do with the inability to escape easily into the wonders of the web? … Continue reading

Practicing lovingkindness is a remarkably effective way of slowing down and putting everything into perspective. There I hope to find a place where words escape me, and love overtakes me.

You have traveled too fast over false ground;
Now your soul has come, to take you back.
Take refuge in your senses, open up
To all the small miracles you rushed through.
Become inclined to watch the way of rain
When it falls slow and free.
Imitate the habit of twilight,
Taking time to open the well of color
That fostered the brightness of day.
Draw alongside the silence of stone
Until its calmness can claim you.
Be excessively gentle with yourself.
– John O’Donohue ^[6]John O’Donohue, excerpt from the blessing, For One Who is Exhausted, “To Bless the Space Between Us.”