Real Life Matters

“Grief is like a stream running through our lives, and it is important to understand that loss doesn’t go away. It lasts a lifetime. It is our relationship to a particular loss that changes. It won’t always hold the same intensity for us, or take the same expression. But the grief as a natural human response to loss will remain, and our resistance to it will only intensify the pain.”^[1]The Five Invitations: Discovering What Death Can Teach Us About Living Fully by Frank Ostaseski
https://a.co/hUwsEbc

It is sometimes a challenge for me to remain engaged and optimistic. When I’m feeling blue, my mind seems to gloss over the progress being made every day in the field of neuroscience research. I allow the parade of horribles in, marching freely around the darkest corners of my mind. My mind tends to ruminate on two topics: (1) the various mistakes I have made in the past; and (2) my fears about the progression of my Parkinson Disease in the future. I recognize that both of these things are totally outside of my control. But that does not stop me from trying to control them anyway. My tendency for perfectionism is relentless, even if it is knowingly pointless.

It is easy to fight and resist – to ruminate and isolate. These approaches, however, get me nowhere:

“In death and in life, should we “hope for the best” or “expect the worst”? What if instead, we cultivated a non-judgmental attention and commitment to being with the truth of whatever is present? Suppose rather than choosing sides, we developed the mental clarity, emotional stability, and embodied presence to not be swept away by the cycle of ups and downs, of hopes and fears? Balanced equanimity gives rise to a resilience that is fluid and not fixed, trusting, adaptable, and responsive. Perhaps we might accept our past, ourselves, others, and the continually changing conditions of our lives “as is” — neither good nor bad, but workable.^[2]The Five Invitations: Discovering What Death Can Teach Us About Living Fully by Frank Ostaseski
https://a.co/agOhuct.

I would love to become resilient, trusting, and adaptable instead of resistant, guarded and stuck. I can choose to stop resisting, and accept what is.

We tend to protect ourselves from the experiences and situations we don’t like. But there is a sense of liberation and confidence that gets built up within us when we do the opposite, when we push away nothing.^[3]The Five Invitations: Discovering What Death Can Teach Us About Living Fully by Frank Ostaseski
https://a.co/a5H4Jib

And thus we get to the point of this post:

An integral part of healing is letting go. But there is no letting go until there is letting in.^[4]The Five Invitations: Discovering What Death Can Teach Us About Living Fully by Frank Ostaseski
https://a.co/4Xcwda1

I am learning every day to make peace with my situation, and to not fight it. Indeed, I do not want people to say at my memorial service someday – hopefully many, many years from now – that I battled Parkinson Disease. Rather, I want to be remembered for how – in my best moments – I allowed this disease to change me into a better, more loving and accepting version of me. I want people to remember that I did my level best to let the wild energy and chaos of my brain be transformed into peace, and acceptance – love, and rest.