“Perfectionism can be caused by a fear of judgment or disapproval from others. Early childhood experiences, such as having parents with unrealistically high expectations, may also play a role.“[1]https://www.verywellmind.com/signs-you-may-be-a-perfectionist-3145233
If there is one thing that makes me uncomfortable, it is falling behind the pack. I absolutely dread being the last one in line while hiking, biking, or kayaking. Being in last place somehow allows the broken part of me to seep up to the surface. It whispers: “See. I told you. You cannot keep up with the pack. Everyone can see that you are unable to perform at this level. You clearly do not have what it takes.”
For most of my life, I have measured how I am doing in comparison to everyone else. The roots of my fixation lie in my deep fear of making mistakes. Early in life, I internalized a message from people I trusted that it was not acceptable to make mistakes. To this day, any mistake I make has a tendency to cascade quickly in my mind to a sense of failure or dread. This tendency persists despite any “success” that I manage to achieve in a material sense.
Living with Perfectionism
What is it like to live with someone who is a perfectionist? Hint: it is not fun. A perfectionist inflicts needless suffering on themselves and others by:
– feeling anxious about everything and spreading this anxiety to others
– keeping a detailed scorecard on everything
– refusing to accept or even acknowledge mistakes
– overreacting to mistakes
– feeling a strong urge to blame others for mistakes
It is not wrong to aspire to excellence. Pursuing excellence focuses the mind on behavior, and not on outcome. Perfection, on the other hand, is impossible to achieve. Pursuing perfection inevitably leads to anxiety and frustration. It also prevents us from accepting life on life’s terms. It robs us of peace.
Give Life Balance, or Life will Give Balance to You
I will never know why I developed young-onset Parkinson Disease. It has occurred to me that my body and brain simply could not cope with the unrealistic demands I placed upon them. As they say: “Give life balance, or life will give balance to you.” But it is pointless to perseverate about such things. Indeed, my tendency to beat myself up over getting Parkinson Disease only proves the point that my belief in lie of perfectionism still exists.
So I will now give myself some sorely needed advice: “You are not to blame for your diagnosis. No one is to blame. In life, shit happens. You are not alone. Be grateful for what you have and don’t look back for very long, unless it is to remember all of the amazing people that have helped you along the way.”
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