“Whatever you fight, you strengthen, and what you resist, persists.” – Eckhart Tolle
At times throughout each day, my brain is a jumble of energy. Many of the cells in my brain that used to produce dopamine no longer function. My brain tries to compensate by working harder, but the system is no longer intact. The messages that rely on dopamine cannot get through. I take medicine to stop my tremors, but it takes time to work and lasts for only so long. When it wears off, my brain reverts to its frenetic state.
When each new cycle of shaking begins, my immediate instinct is to resist it. Fighting, however, only makes me suffer. It is always better when I can try and find a way to let go and wait out the storm. I’m not talking about giving up. Giving up and choosing to let go are not the same. The first is passive and implies defeat. The second is active and involves non-resistance to what is real.
Two Choices
Roadblocks and setbacks occur in the journey of life. Relationships fail. Accidents happen. A pandemic arises. People get sick. People lose their jobs. The economy falters. When life happens, the response we choose tells us everything we need to know about our spiritual condition. We have two choices. We can accept the reality of the moment, or we can let our ego take over, swinging our fists in the dark at everything that we perceive as wrong.
Accepting the reality of life with Parkinson disease has been a long journey. I am not the same person as I was before. This is good news. For many years I worked in a tall building in downtown Detroit. My office was on the 23rd floor. It had a spectacular view overlooking the Detroit River. When I entered the elevator to leave our floor, I would secretly press and hold down the “L” button continuously, because I read somewhere that this would cause the elevator to skip past all other floors and go straight to the lobby. It was like I was saying: “Hi, Mr. Elevator, just so you know, I am special and important and would appreciate it if you would deliver me to the lobby without stopping at any other floors, even if other people are waiting. I am in a huge hurry. Did I mention to you that I am a partner in this fine law firm?”
Back in the prime of my career, I could be such an asshole. For those that worked with me or knew me in my younger years when I was in this mode, I am so sorry!
Not Doing Anything
My life is so much different now. On many days, I look at my Apple Watch, which tells me: “No more events. Your day is clear.” I do my best to lean into my situation and smile about the significant parts – and there are many. I am learning, slowly, to find contentment in the moments when I am not doing anything at all.
The truth is that my life is worthwhile, even when I cannot sit still at the computer, hold a pencil, open a package, or carry on a conversation with ease. As long as my heart is beating, I can choose to let go of whatever I am holding (or not holding). I encourage myself to be patient and wait. Sooner or later, my shaking will stop, and peace will arise in my mind, body, and spirit. I can look forward to and celebrate these moments as the gifts that they represent. I take nothing for granted.
The Words that Come to Mind
It is mind-boggling to try and comprehend the chaos that the novel Coronavirus has unleashed upon the world. Joseph Stalin famously said: “The death of one man is a tragedy; the death of millions is a statistic.” It is impossible to fully grasp the social, political, and economic consequences of the Coronavirus. Every day, the virus seems to throw us a new curveball. It shows no sign of stopping anytime soon. With everything that is happening, it is not easy to be optimistic. Our politicians are sneering and flailing. Our country continues to fracture into more defiant tribes. Our country seems to be out of work and out of fresh ideas. We are continuously bombarded in the 24-hour news cycle with stories that make us sigh, groan, click and take offense at something, somewhere, that someone else is doing. It is super addictive and mostly serves to reinforce our tendency toward narcissism.
Fortunately, there is a pathway to greater peace. It is surprisingly within reach. It begins when I decide to step outside of the chaos in my mind and the world. I can choose quietly, many times throughout each day, to not allow myself to get sucked into the vortex. For me, this often involves putting my devices to sleep and taking a walk outside, or a bike ride, or a swim. In my more enlightened moments, it means walking into the next room to hug Jennifer or one of our girls, or scratch the ears of our beloved dog, Freja, and smile and connect. When I choose the pathway of peace, my grip loosens, and I enter a world where we are all connected. In this world, love and acceptance are the only words that come to mind.
“When you lose touch with inner stillness, you lose touch with yourself. When you lose touch with yourself, you lose yourself in the world.” – Eckhart Tolle